Breakfast of Champions

So Carter and I are at Starbucks one recent morning and he says he'd like a white hot chocolate.

Me: Ok, but how about if you have a little something that's reasonably healthy, too?

Carter: Like what? Why?

Me: Well, I just like you to start off your day with something resembling a healthy breakfast. How about a breakfast sandwich?

Carter: Right. Mom, what do you have for breakfast each and every morning?

I started to come back at him but was at a loss for words, since my standard breakfast for years now has been a nonfat hot chocolate, light on the chocolate. Twenty grams of protein, nonfat, only about 250 calories and very filling.

So I just stood there. Like an idiot.

Carter: Right. I'll stick with the white hot chocolate, then, ok?

Out of the Mouths of Babes

We’ve all got malapropisms that we love. Here are some of my faves – some created by my child and some by various other younger relatives –

• Racamoni and cheese (Carter – but I don’t think anybody at our house has referred to it as macaroni and cheese for at least ten years)
• Shampoo the Killer Whale (my nephew RJH – it didn’t matter how many times he was told it was actually Shamu – he was adamant that it was Shampoo)
• Chunky Cheese (RJH again – and really, isn’t it a much more accurate description than Chuck E. Cheese?)
• Clean ketchup (my brother PSH - for kleenex)
• The cursive moon (another nephew, MCH – he knew it was a longish word that started with C but couldn’t come up with crescent)
• Have a nice day without your underwear! (Not really a malapropism but it HAS become a saying we use a lot, ever since nephew TNH stood on the front porch yelling it at passers-by)
• The Heimlich Remover (my child again – he knew as soon as he said it that something wasn’t quite right – and now we ALL have to stop and think about it every time we try to use it correctly in conversation)
  

We’ve all got them – what are some of your family’s?

My Child Can Beat Up Your Honor Student

While other kids are out enjoying summer - swimming, riding bikes, reading good books - this is what my kid has been home designing:

School's Out for Summer...

The boy's report card came in the mail today (all good, thanks for asking) and as we were looking it over, I said "hey - this is great: no tardies at all."

His response?

"That's what you think. You'd be amazed at how far a dollar goes these days."

Gotta Love Mondays

Even though the bus schedule shifted this morning, so that my departure is 14 minutes later than it was last week, I got up at the usual 6:30 so that I could drop C at camp on my way to the bus. In typical twelve year old fashion, he declined to cooperate when I sweetly asked him to get up and moving. In the process of gently prodding him, helping him find his shoes and reminding him to brush teeth and hair, I somehow lost track of the fact that I had failed to apply makeup.

There were many, many people dropping their kids at camp at the leisurely hour of 7:30 - It was a nice opportunity to run into a lot of people I know and leave them wondering why I looked vaguely washed out this morning.

After C declined to say goodbye or even acknowledge my existence (I know he was just trying to save me some time; it has nothing to do with being a hormonal preteen boy who would prefer to be raised by wolves), I drove at exactly the speed limit all the way to the park & ride, pulling in just behind my bus. No worries! It was a nice little bit of exercise to run across the lot, and very exciting to be the absolute last person to board. Also, the unexpected exertion made me warm enough that it really didn't matter that I forgot to grab my coat when I got out of the van.

After doing a little deep breathing exercise that I like to do to relax (usually I have to be at work for a few hours before this is necessary), I looked down and realized that when I decided to change my shirt this morning, I neglected to change my underclothing as well. No worries! Black underwear with a pink shirt is pretty standard attire for a downtown law firm and since I don't have my coat with me, everyone will be able to enjoy my fashion statement right along with me.

Gosh, so much happens in just a short time around here!

My Siblings, In Particular, Should Appreciate This One ---

Voice message received the other day from my one and only child:

"Hi Mom. Favorite child here."

In His Secret Heart....

In his secret heart, Hank believes he is Jackie Chan.

In fact, he is a ninja:

Great Bumper Sticker We Spotted This Weekend:

I may be dyslexic, but I can still kick your tub.

Dear Kittens....

Dear Kittens:

Thank you for being so clean and tidy and never using anything but the litter box when you have business to take care of. It's really nice of you to never, ever leave any presents anywhere else. (And Hemi? The other day when you had to throw up and you did it IN the litter box instead of on a carpet somewhere? That was brilliant.)

A favor, though: When I'm cleaning out the litter box (one good turn deserves another, after all), it would be very, very helpful if you would not jump in and try to re-bury everything before I can get it scooped out and thrown away. Just something to think about.

Love,

Mom

PS: Is it just me or does it make sense that when you're outside you can use the "facilities" there, without needing to run back inside to use the litterbox? Just checking....

Out of the Closet

Keeping things picked up around here is a constant struggle. I had finally had it a couple of weeks ago and dragged the kid by the ear into his room and said you have GOT to get this room picked up. It is NOT ok for you to just leave all those clothes all over your bed.

His response?

That's not a bed, Mom. It's a horizontal closet.

Declarations

There have been a lot of conversations around our house in the last couple of weeks about what this coming summer will look like. The boy thinks this is a great summer for him to hang out by himself at home while Dad and I are at work. (Not going to happen.) I'm going to a lot of work trying go find fun, interesting, new, fabulous things for the boy to do this summer, as well as arrange some semi-down time at Camp Nana & Papa. (The boy isn't going to be happy, regardless - since he doesn't want to do anything that doesn't involve a lot of time on the computer.) It's been a little tense.

So tonight we're having ravioli for dinner and as I'm serving up the boy's I say, "I'm assuming you'd like yours with just a little butter and salt, right?"

And he says "Yes, thanks. And maybe with just a dash of independence."

Not Loving School This Year

Me, making dinnertime conversation: "You know, I thought I was having an allergic reaction to something growing this weekend but now I'm starting to think I'm just getting sick."

Carter: "Ooooh, Mom! Could you please go cough on my pillow?"

Loving the Tweens

Me: "Honey? When you use the last of the toilet paper, you need to put up another roll.

C: "I don't know. It seems like a lot of effort."

It's Girl Scout Cookie Time

So Carter and I are sitting at the dining room table last night, eating Thin Mint Girl Scout cookies. Mark is on the computer in the next room.

Carter: Mom, do these have crack in them?

Me: Yes. Yes they do.

Carter: I thought it had to be either cocaine or methamphetamine. I mean, one cookie and I've just got to keep eating until they're all gone.

Mark, just tuning in: What the hell are you two talking about???

************

So tonight, we've finished dinner and asked Carter to get the last tube of Thin Mints out of the freezer. He comes back with a partial box of Samoas. They constitute Mark's crack, so he's happy. After waiting for a minute, I ask Carter about the Thin Mints. He looks stricken. He leans over and whispers in my ear: Mom, I made the mistake of trying to eat just one this afternoon when I got home from school....

Why I'm The Way I Am

The setting: Our local Starbucks.

The scene: I'm handing my Starbucks card to Carter, so he can buy a snack.

His line: Thanks. What you lack in style, you make up for in plastic.

Whew

Christmas knitting is all done - AND in the mail. Some days I'm so impressed with me! I even managed to do some charity knitting - mittens, fingerless gloves and hats - for a local organization.

Since I don't have anything interesting or funny to say today, I will try to distract you by showing you some projects that are not surprises for anybody who might be reading this :-) Haiku baby sweater and sort of matching hat for a colleague who's having a baby at the end of this month:


Washable merino by Tess Designer Yarns.

Warts and All

The boy got braces first thing yesterday morning, after which I dropped him off at school. I picked him up at the end of the day and as we were driving home, I said "So, how do the new braces feel? Does your mouth hurt?"

"Not really. It just kind of feels like all of my teeth have warts on them."

Oh Yeah

As some of you know, I take a lot of crap for my choice in footwear. Really, a lot. So really, I took a lot of pleasure in this:

I'm So Proud...

This is the sort of post that really calls for a caption contest. Here's what I've got so far -

* Attack of the mutant zukes
* Anybody seen the cleaver?
* Boy Scouting: Learn Many Useful Skills!

Please add your own in the comments!

One Month Into Middle School

C: Mom? Do you know how to put yourself into a coma?

me: Does this have ANYTHING to do with the homework you're supposed to be working on?

C: Kind of. If I could put myself into a coma, I wouldn't have to finish this project.

Third Day of School

Well, it didn't take long to have THIS conversation:

C: I want to live on the east coast.

Me: Oh? Why is that?

C: They have snow days there.

Me: Yeah, but not in August.

Gerbils

So the child and I were having a conversation (again) about the importance of him checking in with me when he's out and about.

"Why is that so important, Mom?"

"Because I need to know where you are, who you're with, where you're going and when you got there so that I'll know you're safe and haven't, for instance, been carried off by a band of kidnapping gerbils."

"Mom? You've gone from crazy to crazier."

NOT What I Would Have Guessed

"Hey Mom. You know what I want to do when I grow up?"

"Tell me."

"Design blender blades."

Seriously.

Knitters For Critters

Now that I have your attention--- Check out all the details here.

The Real Reason Our Vet Lives in a Nice Home and Drives a Nice Car

Poor Maggie got into it with something sharp - a nice little slice and a couple of small puncture wounds. We don't think it was another animal but rather some piece(s) of metal. We took her in to the animal ER last week, where they shaved much of her back and put in some stitches.


As M says, it's kind of like she got a butt lift.

She's been a complete angel about the antiobiotics, and having to stay inside and leave everything alone, but she is really, really, really pissed off about the Elizabethan collar.She got the stitches out yesterday and is doing great. But I have to say: This is our fourth kitty ER visit this year and we have spent more than twice what my first car cost. Yes, that probably dates me.

Big News!

My bestiest friend and my wonderful husband made it possible for me to get my very own new camera this last week. I've really wanted a little tiny point-and-shoot, not at all complicated, easy-to-download digital camera for some time. I found exactly what I wanted (Canon PowerShot SD1000), BF and WH provided the financing, and Amazon delivered it on Friday.


It really IS easy to operate - and we know this because I was able to figure it out in a very short period of time, including managing to get the photos onto the computer and, even more importantly, managing to find them again once I put them there.


So here's the obligatory picture of the cute kid:



And here's a picture of a recently-finished knitted item. Yarn is Tess Designer Yarn 50% angora/50% merino purchased at Stitches West last year. Pattern is from Lorna's Laces: Simplest Sweater For Baby (it's true). Sweater is a gift for a co-worker who had a baby about a month ago. The sweater was actually finished before the baby arrived but I wanted to be able to take a photo before gifting it.

More to come!

I Have No Idea Where He Gets His Sense of Humor - Chapter 548

Last night C was showing me something on the internet. I suggested he add the site to his favorites and noticed that he had a folder in his favorites titled "Adult Stuff."

It kinda caught my attention.

So I asked about it and he clicked it open and said "oh, you know, just stuff like this." He had bookmarked Time.com, CNN.com, BBC America and some other news sites. I said "ok - you had me a little worried there."

His response?

"What did you think I had? Something like Naked Onion Juggling?"

Time to Censor His Reading a Bit?

So the kid comes into the kitchen the other day. He grabs a knife off the counter and starts stabbing a box of cereal. "Look Mom! I'm a cereal killer! Get it? A SERIAL killer!!"

Food Review

C had a homework assignment this last week to write about his favorite and least favorite foods.

Food for Thought by C--------------

My favorite food is clams because its creamy goodness satisfies every tastebud on your tongue. It can be used in any recipe and still taste good, chowder, pizza, and all by itself, it’s the ultimate tastebud treat! Potatoes excellently compliment this delicacy from the sea. And the great part? Clams can be found around the world, in many sizes and shapes, saltwater and fresh water clams are the best.

Broccoli, yuck! Broccoli’s disgusting moldy~looking top tastes horrible with its ‘stem’ that feels like rotting wood, inside and out of the mouth. If you think it has a nice ‘earthy’ smell, think again because to me it smells like rotten meat! Cooking it just makes it worse, spices, blech! Broccoli is the one the one thing I won’t cook, it best goes unplanted!

Wasn't He Just an Infant?

School started back up last week and my baby began his final year of of elementary school. I've taken the first day of school off from work for six years now - always more for myself than for C. Remember, this is the kid who, in kindergarden, said to me "You know, Mom, I think it embarrasses the other kids when you kiss me goodbye."

I do have SOME sensitivity. This year I asked if he'd be more comfortable being just dropped off or if it would be ok for me to walk him back to the classroom. He thought about it for a minute and then said it would be ok for me to walk him back, since there would no doubt be a lot of other parents doing the same thing.

He was right - we ended up having to park a couple of blocks from the school and as we walked toward the campus, I said "I don't supppose you're going to hold my hand this year?"

He gave me the sideways, mildly contemptuous look. "What do you think?"

"I think you'd rather die a slow painful death."

"Mom, that would be a slow painful death."

But he did it anyway - just for a few steps and not where anybody could see him. He knows I need that extra reassurance on the first day of school.

And I was really proud of myself - this year, for the first time, I didn't cry after dropping him off.

The Personal Is Political

We were at Starbucks a week or so ago and someone had left that day's New York Times sitting on a table. C noticed a photo of a bunch of Elmo dolls and picked it up to read the article, which was about a Chinese lab that was testing the toys for safety.

He headed up to the counter to pay for a sandwich. The guy behind the counter looked a little startled to see a ten year old with the NYT and said "Oh, I see you're reading the business section of the New York Times!" with a little bit of a nervous laugh.

C said, "Oh, I was just interested in reading about this job I'd love to have, testing toys."

The barista started to relax a little bit and then C said "But you know, I'm still really opposed to American corporations using Chinese child labor."

I don't think that poor guy has recovered yet.

Truth in Advertising

Our conversation as I was leaving the house this morning:

Me: Bye buddy - have a great day!

C: Bye psycho mommy!

In Which I Get Exactly What I Deserve

We've all been missing Max and looking for a little extra love and reassurance lately. So the other night, I found myself asking C one of the most annoying things a parent can ask a kid.

Me: Do you love me?

C: Yes, I do.

Me (really pushing it here): How much?

Short pause.

C: Really, not very much.

(You know my parents are really enjoying this one.)